The Phynx (1970)

Before I get into this review, let me just say one thing about what I am about to describe: I’m not making any of this up. I’m well aware of how bizarre this is all going to sound, but I promise you, all of this actually does happen.

When several influential world figures such as Colonel Sanders, Butterfly McQueen, Dorothy Lamour, Xavier Cugat, Edgar Bergen (and Charlie McCarthy), and Johnny Weissmuller are kidnapped to Albania, a band of secret agents gets together to find a way to bring them back. This band of secret agents is led by some guy with a box on his head and the band of secret agents includes hookers, the KKK, some guys who work on Madison Avenue, and some boy scouts. One of the boy scouts suggest they ask a computer named MOTHA (Mechanical Oracle That Helps Americans) what she recommends. MOTHA comes up with the elegantly simple and failproof plan of manufacturing a rock band and have them become successful enough be invited to perform in Albania so they can free these world figures.

MOTHA also gives the names of the people she has chosen to be in this fake rock band, which she has decided will be named The Phynx. Once they’ve all been officially recruited, they start training to be rock stars. Naturally, they end up being a huge success in America and in the rest of the world. Meanwhile, other world figures like Joe Louis, Busby Berkeley (and the original Gold Diggers), Maureen O’Sullivan, Patty Andrews, and Pat O’Brien have also gone missing. Luckily, by then, the band has gotten successful enough for the Albanian Minister of Culture to want them to perform at their national flower day event.

Once in Albania, the band sneaks into a castle where an Albanian leader and his wife, played by Joan Blondell, are keeping all these world figures. They’re also treating Colonel Sanders like a servant. It turns out they kidnap these stars because Joan Blondell’s character is American and misses American culture, so they bring it to Albania. In addition to all the stars already mentioned, they’ve also kidnapped George Jessel, Leo Gorcey and Huntz Hall, Ruby Keeler, Cass Dailey, Rudy Vallee, the Lone Ranger and Tonto, just to name a few.

The Phynx decides to play a song for all the stars in hopes of inspiring all the stars to return to America. The plan is a success and the stars are moved by this song. First, George Jessel says they should leave and Butterfly McQueen seconds the idea. But how will they get out? Huntz Hall suggests they all sneak out by hiding in carts full of radishes and I guess nobody else had any other ideas, so they went with it, leading to a moment where Johnny Weissmuller and Maureen O’Sullivan reprise their famous “Me Tarzan, Me Jane” lines in a radish cart. The plan is a success and all these influential figures return to America!

…No, really, I did not make any of this up. This actually is what happens in The Phynx. I have absolutely no explanation as to why this movie was ever made. I have no idea why all these people agreed to be in this movie. (In addition to all the kidnapped stars, people like Richard Pryor, Dick Clark, and Ed Sullivan all make cameos. Why? I don’t know.) It’s one of the most completely incomprehensible movies I’ve ever seen, but the fact that it exists at all absolutely delights me.

The Phynx didn’t have much of a release back in 1970 (now that, I can understand) and was never officially released on home video until Warner Archive released it on DVD a few years back. It’s kind of dull in the beginning, but if you stick with it to the end, it goes completely and totally off the rails with this cavalcade of movie stars and other celebrities. Some of the stars make total sense to have together like Maureen O’Sullivan and Johnny Weissmuller; Pat O’Brien, Leo Gorcey, and Huntz Hall; and Busby Berkeley, Ruby Keeler, and Joan Blondell (alas, there were no scenes where Berkeley, Blondell, and Keeler actually interact with each other). But somehow, it all seems so incredibly thrown together and random. As a fan of so many of these stars, I loved getting to see them all together, even if it was in such a nonsense movie. If nothing else, I was excited to see that Ultra Violet makes an appearance in this because it means The Phynx is a movie that appeals to my interests in Busby Berkeley musicals and Andy Warhol’s factory scene. Because, really, how often do I get to combine those interests?

I’m just going to leave you with a few screencaps of my favorite moments from this movie, if for no other reason than to prove that these things actually happened. This is definitely a movie that needs to be seen to be believed.

The leader of the band of secret agents.

Joan Blondell with Colonel Sanders, which is my new favorite picture.

Joe Louis and Johnny Weissmuller looking serious with Colonel Sanders in the background.

Maureen O’Sullivan, George Jessel, and Edgar Bergen with Charlie McCarthy

Ruby Keeler and Busby Berkeley reunited

The Lone Ranger and Tonto

Maureen O’Sullivan and Johnny Weissmuller having a Tarzan reunion in a cart full of radishes.  (OK, this moment was cute.)

Leo Gorcey and Huntz Hall

Shout out to Danny from pre-code.com for bringing this movie to my attention and inspiring me to write my most baffling review ever.

The Front Page (1931)

Just before Earl Williams (George E. Stone) is to be executed, the big question on many newspaper reporters minds is where isn’t about the execution, but where Hildy Johnson (Pat O’Brien) is.  Hildy is one of the top reporters in Chicago and with the execution being such a big story, it’s odd that Hildy is nowhere to be found.  The truth is, Hildy has had enough of the newspaper world and is ready to leave it behind to marry his girlfriend Peggy (Mary Grant).  He’s happy to stop by the press room at the courthouse to say goodbye to his friends, but the one person he absolutely does not want to see is his editor Walter Burns (Adolphe Menjou).  He knows that if he visits Walter, he’ll get suckered into staying at the paper.

But before Hildy can leave town, Earl Williams escapes.  The reporters in the press room rush to get on the story and Hildy can’t help but be caught up in the excitement and gets to work on the story himself.  After a while, Peggy arrives at the press room, not happy about being pushed aside for the newspaper yet again.  As much as Hildy would like to be with Peggy, he gets the scoop of a lifetime when Williams climbs in through a window of the press room.  Hildy hides Williams from the other reporters and when the other reporters are back in the press room, Williams’ friend Molly (Mae Clarke) distracts them by jumping out a window.

While Hildy works, Walter comes to check on him and of course, he tries to convince Hildy to stay on at the paper.  As the action unfolds, Hildy is left to juggle the big story and his soon-to-be wife.

If the story of The Front Page sounds familiar, that’s probably because it’s best remembered as its remake, 1940’s His Girl Friday.  Although The Front Page is a pretty good movie, it’s one of the rare times where I liked the remake better than the original.  Pat O’Brien and Adolphe Menjou are fine, but I much prefer Cary Grant and Rosalind Russell.  The Front Page is funny and fast paced, but His Girl Friday is full of even faster dialogue and the screwball factor is really amped up.  I really don’t mean to imply that The Front Page isn’t worth watching, but His Girl Friday took everything that was good about The Front Page and ran with it.

Hell’s House (1932)

After the death of his mother, Jimmy Mason (Junior Durkin) goes to live with his Aunt Emma (Emma Dunn) and Uncle Henry (Charley Grapewin) at their boarding house.  Jimmy quickly takes a liking to Matt Kelly (Pat O’Brien), who also lives at the boarding house.  Jimmy is impressed with Matt’s suave demeanor, but doesn’t realize at first that Matt is actually a bootlegger.  Eventually, Jimmy starts working for Matt and when the police come down on Matt, Jimmy refuses to implicate Matt and is sent to reform school.

Life in reform school is anything but pleasant.  The conditions are rough and the people in charge don’t have an ounce of compassion.  Jimmy makes friends with fellow inmate Shorty (Frank Coghlan, Jr.), but Shorty is very ill and isn’t getting the treatment he needs.  Instead of being given medication, he’s placed in solitary confinement.  Jimmy escapes to get help from Matt and his girlfriend Peggy (Bette Davis).  Peggy puts Jimmy in touch with a newspaper reporter looking to do an exposé on the conditions at the reform school.  However, the only way Jimmy’s name can be cleared is if Matt turns himself in to the police.

Plain and simple, Hell’s House is absolutely nothing to write home about.  Mayor of Hell does a far more compelling job of telling the story of a corrupt reform school than Hell’s House does, plus it has the charisma of James Cagney to give it that little extra something.  The only noteworthy thing about Hell’s House is that it features an appearance from Bette Davis early in her career.  But Bette’s role is pretty small, so unless you’re trying to see every movie Bette was ever in, she’s not much of an incentive to watch.  How Bette even got top billing on the poster and in the credits is beyond me.

I’ve Got Your Number (1934)

Terry Riley (Pat O’Brien) and Johnny (Allan Jenkins) are telephone repairmen who aren’t exactly known for being employees of the month.  But rather than fire them, their boss Joe Flood (Eugene Pallette) decides to send them out on the worst jobs the phone company gets.  Much to Joe’s dismay, the tough jobs actually work out well for Terry and Johnny.

When Terry is sent to a job at a burning building, he saves the life of prominent businessman John P. Schuyler (Henry O’Neill) and Schuyler tells Terry that if he ever needs a favor, don’t hesitate to ask.  When Terry and Johnny are sent to take the phone equipment from fortune teller Madame Francis (Glenda Farrell), they end up exposing her as a fraud, but she seduces Terry and Johnny soon starts dating her.

One day, Terry is later sent to the hotel where Marie Lawson (Joan Blondell) works as a switchboard operator.  Marie had inadvertently helped Nicky (Gordon Westcott) use the phone system to bilk another hotel guest out of a lot of money and the manager wants to see if the phone had been tapped.  When Terry doesn’t find a phone tap, Marie loses her job.  But Terry is extremely attracted to Marie and before he gets her fired, he asks her out and she turns him down.  That night, he messes with the phone at her apartment so he can come and fix it.  While he’s at it, he ruins her dinner so she has no other choice but to go out with him.  But that night, Marie starts to come around to Terry.  He even goes to see Schuyler about getting her a new job.

Marie is very happy at her new job, but her trouble from her old job soon catches up with her.  It doesn’t take long for Nicky to find out where she’s working and he uses her to pull a huge scam on her boss.  Once again, Marie is left holding the bag and this time, she’s in so much trouble the story makes the news.   But with their knowledge of the phone system, Terry and Johnny are able to save her.

For the most part, I really liked I’ve Got Your Number.  Like many pre-codes, it’s fast paced and full of snappy banter and innuendo. Some of its scenes are extremely pre-code.  My biggest complaint about it is that Glenda Farrell was way underused. In fact, her entire character was pretty irrelevant to the story.  They could have cut her character out all together and it wouldn’t have made a big difference.  Glenda Farrell is by far one of my favorite pre-code actresses, so to see her so underused in I’ve Got Your Number was very disappointing.  But luckily Joan Blondell and Pat O’Brien helped make up for the lack of Glenda Farrell.

Virtue (1932)

When Mae (Carole Lombard) gets arrested for prostitution, she’s lucky to get a judge who believes that streetwalkers have a good chance to turn their lives around if they are sent back home.  So instead of being sent to jail, she is put on a train to her hometown of Danbury.  But she has no intention of actually going to Danbury so she gets off the train before it even leaves New York City and gets into a cab being driven by Jimmy Doyle (Pat O’Brien).  When she asks him to stop at a store for her, she sneaks off without paying and goes to see her friend and fellow streetwalker Lil (Mayo Methot) for advice on what to do next.  Lil suggests that she get her life on the right path and find a legitimate job.

The next day, Mae decides the first step to getting on the right track is to find Jimmy and pay him the fare she stiffed him.  She finds him, but he doesn’t want to take her money.  The two of them get into a big argument, but a mutual attraction between them wins out and their conversation quickly turns civil.  Jimmy thinks that Mae is an out-of-work stenographer and Mae doesn’t correct him, so he helps her get a job as a cashier in a restaurant.  As it turns out, Gert (Shirley Grey), an ex-streetwalker friend of Mae’s, also works at the restaurant.  Things are really starting to turn around for Mae.  She’s got a real job that she enjoys, she’s got a good friend in Gert, and her relationship with Jimmy has been going so well that they get married after only three weeks.

But her happiness comes crashing down when she and Jimmy get back from their honeymoon and find a police officer waiting to arrest her for coming back to New York.  Since Mae is a married woman now, she’s allowed to stay free, and even though Jimmy is a bit shocked to find out about his new wife’s past, he still wants to give their marriage a chance.  The two of them make a good team and work together to save enough money to make Jimmy’s dream of owning his own gas station a reality.  Just when they get very close to their goal, Gert gets sick and asks Mae to lend her $200 for an operation.  Mae reluctantly agrees and is horrified to find out that it was all a scam and Gert has skipped out with their money.  And to top it all off, Jimmy needs the money immediately because the asking price of the gas station he wants to buy has suddenly come down.  Not about to take this sitting down, she hunts Gert down and smacks her around until she agrees to repay the money the next day.

Only getting the money back isn’t exactly easy since Gert gave the money to Toots (Jack La Rue), her new boyfriend and pimp, and he doesn’t want to give it back.  She takes it from him when he isn’t looking, but he notices and kills her in the ensuing fight.  When Mae comes to collect the money, Toots and Gert’s body are still in the apartment, but hidden in another room.  Mae doesn’t see Gert so she just takes the money and leaves, totally unaware of anything being wrong.  She’s also unaware that Jimmy had followed her because he was afraid that she was turning tricks again.  He saw a silhouette of what appeared to be Mae embracing another man in front of a window, but it was really Toots holding Gert’s corpse.  When she comes home, Jimmy confronts her and later she is arrested as a suspect in Gert’s death.  Jimmy had been so heartbroken that he went on a bender for several days and was totally oblivious to the news that Mae was arrested.  When he sobers up, he knows that Mae couldn’t have killed Gert and sets out to prove it.

Virtue is one wonderfully sordid movie, a pre-code through and through!  I loved everything about it!  It’s an excellent story and Carole Lombard and Pat O’Brien were both terrific in it, they had great chemistry together.  The rest of the cast was all pretty great as well and there isn’t a single dull moment in the movie.  It instantly became one of my favorite Carole Lombard movies.  Although, I must say, Toots has got to be the worst name for a pimp I have ever heard.

What’s on TCM: November 2010

Site news time!  As you may or may not know, November is NaBloPoMo, or National Blog Posting Month.  And because I love a challenge, I’ve decided to take a shot at participating.  That’s right, I’m going to try to update the blog every single day in November!   To make things a little more interesting, I’ve given myself a theme to work with: pre-codes.  30 days, 30 pre-code classics!  Here’s hoping I can pull it off!  Now, onto the TCM schedule…

Wow!  This could quite possibly be one of my favorite months ever on TCM!  Fans of silent films, rejoice!  This month, TCM is starting its documentary series Moguls and Movie Stars.  A new episode premieres every Monday at 8:00 PM and is followed by a night of movies related to that night’s episode.  Every Wednesday night is also devoted to Moguls and Movie Stars with more related movies and an encore of that week’s episode.  This is particularly wonderful news for fans of silents because a few episodes of Moguls and Movie Stars are dedicated to the silent era, so they’ll be airing movies from people like Mary Pickford (who I always thought has been very underrepresented on TCM), Clara Bow, Rudolph Valentino, Georges Melies, and D.W. Griffith.  In addition to that, Ava Gardner is the star of the month!  I dig Ava Gardner, so I’m going to be watching a whole lot of TCM this month.